


not ready to be found

by softjace (hhwgv)



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Accidental Outing, Alternate Universe - College/University, Childhood Friends, M/M, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-06-06 23:03:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6773863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hhwgv/pseuds/softjace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec would recognize that face anywhere – it didn’t matter that it had been over five years since they’d last seen each other, he could never forget his best friend. He just couldn’t believe that Jace was here, sitting two rows ahead of him in the same orientation session.</p>
            </blockquote>





	not ready to be found

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dontletyourheartdistractyou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontletyourheartdistractyou/gifts).



> Part 4/5 for the Alec multiship meme that [overlyattachedkootra](http://overlyattachedkootra.tumblr.com/) asked for.
> 
> Featuring trans boy!Alec.
> 
> Title is from Troye Sivan's _LOST BOY_.

Alec would recognize that face anywhere – it didn’t matter that it had been over five years since they’d last seen each other, he could never forget his best friend. He just couldn’t believe that Jace was _here_ , sitting two rows ahead of him in the same orientation session. There was a part of him that doubted Jace would recognize him – he looked vastly different than he had when Jace had moved away. At the time, Alec’s hair had been waist-length and wavy. His mom had always described him as a “tom boy” and still managed to force him into all of the pretty clothes she wanted him to wear. Back then, he’d had a different name, different pronouns, and an F on his birth certificate.

 

The only thing Alec could focus on for the entire session was Jace. The drone of the presenter’s voice was merely background noise as Alec’s brain flooded with memories from his childhood – the time he fell out of a tree and broke his wrist and Jace had insisted on riding with him to the hospital, when he and Jace shot spit balls at the bullies in their fifth grade class, his fingers intertwined with Jace’s at Jace’s father’s funeral, Jace’s chapped lips pressed against his after he told Alec that they were moving away. Alec wondered if Jace remembered, if Jace had ever tried to find him online and failed. He knew that it was his fault they hadn’t talked in years – he was the one who’d changed everything and didn’t tell Jace. He couldn’t. His brain had always gone back to that kiss, remembering how – even though they were only thirteen – Jace had told him that he loved him. Alec wasn’t sure that Jace would love the real him. After all, when Alec stalked Jace online, his profiles said that he was interested in women and only women.

 

Alec was only torn from his thoughts when everyone around him stood up and started towards the door. He hadn’t absorbed anything that the speaker had said, but he pushed himself out of his chair and pulled his schedule out of his pocket – next up was some sort of game that his dorm advisors had put together to help familiarize the first years with the campus.

 

He felt a pang of disappointment when he realized that he’d lost Jace among the crowd of students. He didn’t know why, though, it wasn’t like he was planning on striking up a conversation with him. Instead of dwelling on it, he pushed all thoughts of Jace from his mind as he crossed the small courtyard and followed one of his housemates into the dorm.

 

A group of students had congregated in the first-floor lounge in anticipation of whatever game they were planning and Alec hesitated – torn between hiding in his room and avoiding contact with everyone or joining in and getting to know some of the people he’d be going to school with for the next four years. He reluctantly took a seat on one of the few open chairs without meeting anyone’s eyes, only looking up when he felt someone sit next to him.

 

_Jace._

 

Alec’s mouth hung open slightly as his eyes raked over Jace’s face. He looked almost exactly the same – wider and more mature, maybe, but it was still Jace. Alec waited for the wave of recognition to wash over Jace’s expression but it never came. He smiled at Alec – the kind of empty smile that’s usually traded with strangers – and held his hand out. “Hi, I’m Jace,” he introduced himself as if they’d never met, as if they hadn’t spent the first thirteen years of their lives climbing trees together.

 

It hurt more than Alec expected it to. There was a part of him that was happy Jace didn’t recognize him – it was a testament to how well he passed – but it mostly felt like a punch to the throat. Alec recovered quickly, shaking Jace’s hand. “Alec,” he replied, hoping Jace couldn’t see the hurt in his eyes. He wanted to talk to Jace about everything that had happened since they last saw each other, but not as strangers. He was relieved when the leader called everyone’s attention – he didn’t know if he could handle a full conversation with Jace.

 

Later that evening, Alec laid in his single bed, his fingers itching to text Izzy to tell her that Jace was here, to ask for her advice but he already knew what she would say, ‘ _Talk to him! Tell him it’s you!_ ’ The problem was that she didn’t know about the kiss. It kept replaying in Alec’s mind over and over, like a broken record. It was such a beautiful moment – full of tragedy, of wasted potential, of innocence – and it was the last memory Jace had of Alec. Well, the old Alec, at least. He wasn’t sure he wanted to ruin that. Besides, what if Jace didn’t want anything to do with him when he found out the truth? That would be worse than anything else that Alec could imagine.

 

Eventually, Alec fell into a restless sleep. Jace’s face swam behind his eyelids as he dreamed – he dreamed of Jace at thirteen and the Jace he’d seen today and the Jace first met, all of them angry and hateful. He knew that it was just his fear of Jace rejecting him, not a true indication of how Jace would react but he also knew that he would definitely use it as an excuse to keep the past a secret.

 

Alec spent the next week avoiding Jace – which proved to be more difficult than he’d anticipated due to the fact that Jace’s room was one door down from his. They had a few classes together but Alec made sure to sit as far away from Jace as he possibly could. He was starting to think that he could do it until, on the first Saturday after classes started, he got a text from Izzy saying that she was waiting for him outside the front door of his dorm – a surprise visit.

 

If it weren’t for Jace, Alec would have been excited to see Izzy. Now, it was risky. Isabelle still looked the same as she did as a child – a little more _womanly_ , sure, but she was recognizably her. And if she saw Jace, Alec knew that she would strike up a conversation. He couldn’t just leave her down there waiting, so he hurried down the stairs to let her in.

 

“I’m hungry,” Izzy whined after Alec had shown her his room. “I want to see the rest of the campus, starting with the cafeteria.” Alec checked the time – it was 11:30, a bit early for lunch so hopefully Jace wouldn’t be there.

 

Alec shouldn’t have been surprised that the first person he saw when he pushed open the cafeteria doors was Jace. That was just his luck. “Is that _Jace_?” Isabelle asked, staring at him openly.

 

“What? Jace? I don’t think so,” Alec said, looking everywhere but the table where Jace was sitting. They had to pass him to get food, but Alec hoped he wouldn’t notice them. Izzy had stopped to stare, so Alec took her arm gently. “It’s not nice to stare, Izzy,” he muttered quietly, dragging her behind him.

 

They were a few steps past Jace’s table when his voice stopped Alec in his tracks. “Isabelle Lightwood?” he asked, doubt clear in his voice.

 

“Jace!” Isabelle grinned in response, walking over to his table. Alec dragged his feet, less than thrilled that his plans hadn’t worked out. “I _told_ Alec that was you!” She turned to address Alec, “I told you, didn’t I?”

 

Alec felt blood rushing to his cheeks. He didn’t want to be here anymore. He was so caught up in his panicked thoughts that he almost missed Jace’s next question. “What are you doing here? Are you guys dating?” he motioned between the two of them.

 

The look on Isabelle’s face was priceless. First, there was confusion – how did Jace _not_ know? – followed quickly by realization and then she burst out laughing. Alec stood behind her awkwardly, wishing that he could hide. “No,” she finally answered. “We aren’t dating. He’s my brother.”

 

Now it was Jace’s turn to be confused. “What? But you don’t have an older brother, just an older… _oh_.” There came the recognition. Alec felt as if he was on fire as Jace’s eyes scanned his body, looking for the girl he remembered from his childhood.

 

“I left my toaster on,” Alec said quickly, desperate to be away from this situation. He walked as fast as he could without running, but once he got out of the building he sprinted to his dorm room. He let the door slam behind him – unsure what his next action should be. It wasn’t like he was ashamed of it, exactly, that just wasn’t how he’d wanted people to find out. He wasn’t even sure he _wanted_ Jace to find out.

 

After a few minutes, there was a gentle knock on his door. He listened closely and he could barely make out Isabelle’s voice from the hall way. “I thought he told you,” she was saying, “if I would have known… He probably hates me now.”

 

Alec sighed – he could never hate Izzy. She was the first person he’d talked to about it, the first person she’d talked to about being gay, the first person to truly _know_ him and accept him for who he truly is. He pushed himself up off of his desk chair and opened the door. “I’m not mad at you, Izzy,” he said before she could even say anything.

 

“I’m sorry,” she told him honestly, wrapping her arms around him.

 

“What about me?” Jace asked, his expression sincere. “Are you mad at me?”

 

“No,” Alec answered, standing aside so they could come into his room. He sat down on the bed, motioning for Jace to sit on the chair. “I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know how you would react, especially after… you know,” he looked down at his hands, not ready to see whatever expression Jace had on his face.

 

“I’m going to go get some food so you guys can talk,” Isabelle said, cutting through the tension. Her gaze shifted between the two of them, reading their expressions easily. “This is a conversation that would be easier if I wasn’t here. I’ll be in the cafeteria when you guys are done.” She closed the door gently behind her, leaving Alec and Jace sitting in silence.

 

“Alec,” Jace’s voice was gentle and Alec risked a glance at his face. “I meant what I said. This doesn’t change how I feel about you,” he rested his hand gently on Alec’s knee.

 

“But… you’re straight,” Alec replied, unsure what else to say. This was not how he’d imagine the conversation going.

 

Jace smirked. “Not exactly,” he responded. “I lived in a super religious area and probably would have been burned alive if I said that I wasn’t.”

 

Silence fell between them once more as Alec processed this information. Jace… wasn’t straight. The boy that Alec had been in love with his entire life was _not_ straight. Alec opened his mouth to say something but he was cut off by Jace’s lips pressed against his.

 

This kiss was vastly different than the one they’d exchanged when they were young. Where that one had been sad, a _last_ kiss, this one was full of promise, a _first_ kiss. Alec relaxed into it as Jace’s hand cupped his cheek, kissing him back desperately – like all of this could vanish in the blink of an eye. Alec didn’t want it to end, pushing forwards when Jace pulled away, chasing the high that was Jace’s mouth.

 

“I still love you, Alec.” Jace murmured the words against Alec’s mouth before pressing another chaste kiss to his lips.

 

“I love you, too,” Alec replied, all of the fear and tension flowing out of his body and into the floor. They still had a lot to talk about, a lot to catch up on, but Alec wasn’t afraid of Jace knowing everything anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment/kudos if you enjoyed! Constructive criticism is appreciated!


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